About women, unhealthy patterns and burnout
When behaviour patterns drain you
Something I notice in many of the women I speak to — women who are at home long-term with burnout or similar symptoms — is that they often share remarkably similar behaviour patterns.
Not identical, of course, but the same combinations keep showing up.
Patterns I recognise all too well from my own past.
Things like:
not being able to say no, feeling overly responsible, not wanting to disappoint others, avoiding conflict, not asking for help out of fear of being seen as weak or incompetent, struggling with low self-esteem, trying not to “fall behind”, pretending to be stronger than you feel, wanting to be liked.
Where it often starts to go wrong: at work
At work, these women are usually the first to arrive and the last to leave.
They often take on tasks from colleagues who are overwhelmed, feel deeply loyal to their employer and team, and carry far too much responsibility for the company.
And at home, it simply continues
In their personal and social lives, these women are the ones who show up for everyone — family, friends, neighbours.
They feel responsible for everyone’s wellbeing, give far too much of themselves, and meanwhile try to keep their household and family running.
The painful reality check
When these women end up in a burnout, they often discover that the loyalty they gave so freely isn’t returned in the same way — and that hurts. On top of the exhaustion and overwhelm, they’re left feeling deeply disappointed, hurt, sad and sometimes angry.
Patterns are complex — here’s why
These are my observations from practice.
The full picture is always more complicated.
It’s often learned behaviour.
These patterns can develop over time, for example in response to expectations during childhood — the “good girl” syndrome.
It can be a survival strategy.
For some women, this behaviour is an unconscious way of staying safe and avoiding vulnerability — similar to fight, flight or freeze responses.
It’s a pattern, not your personality.
These behaviours usually come from fear or low self-worth, rather than from a fixed part of who you are.
I’m not a psychologist or psychiatrist, and I don’t conduct scientific research — I share what I see in my work and what I recognise from my own story.
For a long time, I thought I was the only one. Now I see this is a wide spread problem for women.
Many women who end up in a burnout have been carrying these patterns for years, unaware of how harmful they are until their body forces them to stop.
How these patterns lead to burnout
Many women don’t recognise these patterns as harmful precisely because they’ve been living with them for so long. Sometimes they were genuinely necessary in the past to get through difficult situations — and sometimes they even feel necessary now.
But patterns that once protected you can slowly turn into something that drains you.
And that is where the road to burnout begins.
Burnout doesn’t happen overnight.
It builds slowly — small signals being ignored, often because you think you “just need to keep going”.
Here’s how these patterns contribute to burnout:
Carrying too much responsibility
You feel responsible for everything and everyone.
At home, at work, in your relationships — you’re the one who keeps everything together.
➡️ Your system is constantly switched on.
➡️ You rarely get moments to reset and calm your nervous system.
➡️ Over time, your energy reserves become chronically depleted.
Trying to be strong all the time
You don’t want to show that you’re tired, sad, insecure or overwhelmed.
So you push through — again and again.
➡️ You cross your boundaries without noticing.
➡️ Your body sends warning signs, but you’ve learned to ignore them.
Until one day, your body simply can’t continue.
Ignoring your own needs
You say “yes” far too often.
You want to make others happy, you feel guilty quickly or you want to avoid conflict.
➡️ This creates chronic overload.
➡️ You constantly feel like you’re falling short — even though you give everything you have
Taking care of everyone except yourself
You’re the listener, the helper, the fixer, the one who supports everyone.
You show up for others — but rarely for yourself.
➡️ Slowly, your energy drains.
➡️ You feel empty, emotionally fragile, and disconnected from yourself
This is often the moment many women think:
“How did I end up here?”
Not stopping — until your body forces you to
The pattern of “keep going” works… until it suddenly doesn’t.
➡️ Poor sleep
➡️ Tension in your body
➡️ Constant worrying
➡️ Emotional overwhelm
➡️ Feeling overstimulated
These are signs your system is shifting into survival mode.
And if these signals are ignored for too long, burnout often follows — not because you are weak, but because you have been strong for far too long without support.
Where mental coaching and burnout coaching overlap
The line between mental coaching and burnout coaching is thin.
In practice, they almost always blend into each other.
Mental coaching helps women recognise and change these patterns before things go wrong.
Burnout coaching helps women recover after things have gone too far — and again, part of that healing is breaking the same patterns to prevent relapse. So a bit of mental coaching.
Both processes rest on the same foundation:
your self-image
your boundaries
how you take care of yourself
Looking at my own story
Many of my old patterns come from my childhood.
Without going into detail — it was a turbulent time.
Looking back, I can see how these patterns developed as a way to adapt and survive in situations that were too big for me to handle or understand.
It took many years (about 25) before I gained insight into these patterns and — without help — managed to break them.
Because of that, I now know my worth, stand firmly in my own shoes, and no longer seek validation from others.
I still recognise the pull of my old patterns sometimes — I think that will always be there.
Bad habits die hard.
But now, I see what’s happening and I know how to gently correct myself.
How my life could have looked like
Now that I’ve studied and trained in this field, I sometimes wonder what it would have been like if I’d had a coach when I was younger.
What would my life have looked like if I had broken those patterns 25 years earlier?
Life would probably have felt much lighter, much sooner — and I would have been much happier, much earlier.
Sometimes I feel sad about those “lost” years.
At the same time, they’ve shaped me into who I am today — and I’m truly happy with the person I’ve become.
It’s never too late
I genuinely believe it’s never too late to learn or to change.
The years ahead of you are far too valuable not to make the most of them — to feel as happy as possible and to live your best life.
Do you want to break your patterns?
This is exactly what I help women with as a coach.
✔ Breaking these patterns — now
✔ Beginning the healing process — now
✔ Building a lighter, kinder, more joyful future — now
Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
If you recognise yourself in this story and feel it’s time to change these patterns, send me an email, call me, or send me a WhatsApp message.
Together, we’ll explore whether — and how — I can support you on your path to a life that feels lighter and much more like you.
The first introductory call (30 minutes) is always free and usually takes place via Zoom.
If you prefer phone or WhatsApp instead, that’s completely fine.
📞 Phone / WhatsApp: +31 6 15068296
📧 Email: info@jouwonlinementalcoach.nl
To get to know me and see how I can support you, you may want to read one of the pages below:
➡️About me A bit more about who I am and how I work.
➡️Online Mental Coaching for Women Support with stress, overwhelm, self-confidence and personal growth.
➡️Online Burnout Coaching for Women Guidance if you’re recovering from burnout, emotional exhaustion or long-term stress.
This coaching is not therapy, counselling or a medical service. I do not diagnose or treat mental health conditions. Coaching focuses on mindset, behaviour patterns and personal development.